‘Vote Saxon’: AKA Why we should be grateful that Theresa May is not The Master

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The following is an excerpt from former Prime Minister Harold Saxon’s original campaign speech, from 2007. This document is classified as highly-dangerous under the authority of the United Intelligence Taskforce (UNIT). Read at your own risk.

People of Great Britain…. Hellooooo.

My name is Harold Saxon, the British Minister of Defence and the leader, sole MP and prime ministerial candidate for the Saxon Party. In a time when politicians like Harriet Jones can’t be trusted to wake up on time, let alone run our country- I saw an opening. An opportunity for a man such as myself to provide you with what you crave – strong and firm leadership. Uncertainty and fragility have plagued Downing Street for years; even our beloved Big Ben has been fractured in these tumultuous times.

Fear not, for I, Harold Saxon, bring you the cure for your ailments. Those who have read my book ‘Kiss Me, Kill Me’ will remember how I conquered my political rivals in the Rowing Society back at university. I mastered their craft just as I have mastered l’art de la politique. In a world where alien menaces steal our NHS-funded hospitals, our landmarks and even our Christmas, it is of vital importance that we prepare ourselves for the oncoming storm.

I propose a renewed vigour towards scientific research, so that we may rise from the dirt of our humble planet, and ascend to the stars. That I why I am honoured to announce my partnership with Richard Lazarus, one of the leading scientists of our age. His research into rejuvenation has been labelled ‘2007’s Most Promising Thesis’ by a panel of Oxford scholars, and I am ecstatic about his plans for the very near future. Keep your eyes peeled….

Furthermore, I am pleased to confirm that my pet project, the Archangel Network, has been fully-installed and is scheduled to go online in just under a week. Sluggish Wi-Fi and mobile connections will soon be a thing of the past, with this revolutionary telecommunications technology available at no additional cost to every mobile in the country. I would hate to drum it too hard into your heads, but these achievements were simply unthinkable under my predecessors. I have aspirations of becoming the first technological prime minister – not just a man in a suit but a walking, talking brain!

In days of old, Saxons were conquerors, leaders and paragons. I intend to live up to my namesake, providing Great Britain with unfaltering leadership capable of moving the land and sky. Our nation will be reborn.

But none of what I’ve just said actually matters, because by the time I make this speech, the Archangel Network will be fully-operational. Your feeble human minds will be unable to resist the power of Time Lord technology. You will flock to the voting booths like the filthy, mindless cattle you are, with a single thought on your minds. ‘Vote Saxon’

‘Vote Saxon’

‘Vote Saxon’

And you will bow before…. your Master. It seems like a pretty good idea, doesn’t it?

Doctor Who series 10 is currently airing on Saturdays on BBC One.

 

 

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Culture Editor 2018-19, Third Year History student and all-round nerd. Can be most often found standing outside Netflix HQ campaigning for Daredevil Season 4, playing video games and petting doggos. Certainly won't be working.

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