US Election Special: Why Sauron Should Be President

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The current run for the US presidency has been nothing less than anarchic, with polls swaying back and forth on the whim of the press between the two candidates. With Election Day fast approaching it seems as if there is little to be excited about, and that a choice between an orange wearing a dead cat and a woman whose email account leaks faster than a colander isn’t really a choice at all.

But out of the ashes of this chaos there is hope for an ordered world, a better world, if we only have the heart to see it. Sauron, our mighty and gracious Lord of the Rings, will propel us towards a better tomorrow. Choices are hard, so let him make them for you! Here are just some of the reasons that you should vote for Sauron.

He has plenty of experience

As far as CV’s go, Sauron has without doubt one of the longest and most extensive in the political world. With 3,500 years’ experience of leading the realm of Mordor, despite repeated incursions by various rebel groups, he has clear and time-proven strategies about the intricacies of successful governance.

He understands modern economics

Image via Buzzfeed

Image via Buzzfeed

You and I look at the Plains of Gorgoroth and see a barren wasteland, but not good guy Sauron. He sees prime real estate just waiting to be developed and a market ready to be flooded with willing workers. Bringing in scores of vulnerable asylum seekers and refugees displaced by the evil and treacherous state of Gondor, Sauron transformed Mordor – affectionately renamed for his former mentor Morgoth Bauglir – into a bustling market economy which created millions of jobs and is entirely powered by renewable geothermal energy. In fact, the only reason that Mordor was eventually destroyed was not because of Sauron’s policies but because of a dissident hobbit terrorist cell that was adept in deceit and the trafficking of illegal Elvish technology.

He’s tenacious

No need to worry about a messy JFK incident with Sauron as he is almost impossible to kill (unless you happen to throw a hobbit with some jewellery at him) so, once elected, you’ll never have to worry about who to choose ever again. In fact, elections will become entirely redundant and cease to absorb so much of the country’s precious time and budget. Coupled with this is his steadfastness in the face of childish and spiteful smear campaigns from his political enemies. Gorthaur the Cruel, the Deceiver, the Dark Power, these are just some of the totally bogus and not at all accurate names that have been used to ridicule Sauron over the years. But his anti-slander policy is utterly airtight: simply, just kill whoever says bad things about you. How effective is that!

His inclusion policy

Image via New Line Cinema

Image via New Line Cinema

Racism, sexism, ableism, every -ism under the sun will be rendered obsolete under Sauron’s leadership as he has no concept of discrimination. He wants to subjugate all of you, not just those who conform to a superficially physical ideal. He promoted Gothmog to the rank of Lieutenant of Morgul and gave him command of the entire southern army without even batting an eyelid at the orc’s disability (partly because his eye is constantly on fire, but ho-hum). He made a blind and dentally-challenged man into his personal assistant, and just look at how happy that man is now! Heck, his entire cabinet has no physical form and have to dress themselves in cloaks just to be seen, but Sauron raised them to the highest level of office and gave them each a choice of company vehicles, replaceable at no expense to the user if they crash, get washed away by the Bruinen or pulled out of the sky by a giant eagle.

There really is no choice. If you want a strong, independent and secure America, vote for Sauron. He’ll tell you exactly what to do all the time so you won’t need to worry at all, create sustainably-powered industry, bring peace to the world under his iron fist and only kill you if you say anything bad about him.

Embedded below is a commemorative video in which we remember the loss of our glorious leader’s corporeal form.

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MA English student at the University of Southampton and alternative music correspondent for The Edge.

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