Hi, I’m Tom Haverford. You may remember me from my all-encompassing media company Entertainment 720 (where dreams… they come true), or from Tom’s Bistro, or any of my other journeys to success through failure.
But, regrettably, I’m not here just to talk about myself, I’m here to talk about my friend Ben. A slightly awkward and geeky friend, someone who has a terrible dress sense and watches way too many TV shows, but a friend nonetheless. Would I go out with him alone to eat dinner? No. Would I trust him with an Armani suit? No. Would I follow him on Twitter? Hell no. But would I go to him for advice? Yes. But then of course he’d be telling me something I already knew and I’d improve on his lame idea, but you get the point.
The fact is, in a president, you don’t need someone who is going to send out dope tweets and pull off any suit under the sun. That’s me: that’s cool people. You need someone like Ben. Boring, dependable and nerdy. Those are like the best three attributes for a president and Ben has all of them. And here are a few more, in case they’re needed.
He is married to Leslie Knope
First of all, he is married to the coolest woman ever, Leslie Knope. Ok, not ‘cool’ in the traditional sense, like, wow, Ginuwine is so cool, but, oh wow, that old woman listens to Ginuwine, that’s cool. Most of y’all probably know all about Leslie already, and they’re a pretty big power couple around here in Pawnee. They’ve both done some amazing things, but together, they are unbelievable. I mean, some of the things they do and say are just unbelievably embarrassing, but they do some unbelievably awesome things too, don’t get me wrong.
Some may say that Leslie is a better Ben, and they’re not wrong, but I always like rooting for the underdog, so that when my life is made into a film, I can remember how it was to be the little guy.
He is one of ‘you’
I say one of you, because he’s nothing like me, but nobody really is, except my girl Donna fricking Meagle. Ben is one of you ordinary people, who thinks calzones are amazing and binge watches TV shows; don’t even get him started on Game of Thrones or Fringe. I can’t believe I even know what those shows are called, but that is the kind of influence he has had over me. Truly, Barack Obama was way too cool to be a President of the United States, and Ben brings it down a few hundred notches.
Don’t really need to explain this one, everyone should be a feminist, it should be an opt out, not an opt in thing, but I’ve added it on anyway because honestly, I’m running out of ideas. Equality guys, or, as I would say, being eqs, is important.
He is an accountant
Forget Ice Town, that’s in the past, a tiny blip. My man Ben is good with money, I’m always using him for stuff like that. Obviously, it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, being creative and innovative is key, but you need someone like Ben to deal with that stuff. Come on, the symptom of being good with numbers is usually being boring and unfunny, and that’s Ben all over. Rest assured we will be in boring and safe hands with him.
OK, Ben is not the most comfortable on TV. He’s fine now, but you should have heard him a few years ago on Douche Nation. Still, he’s a little shaky on screen. And OK, I bet everyone hearing this is like, well, being on camera is part of being a good president dumb dumb, to have a good image. But you’ve got to think outside the box people, he’s never going to lie to your face, and if he does, you’ll be able to tell from a mile off by all the sweat and stammering. He basically turns into an even worse version of Gerry.
So, if you want to vote for anyone, why not vote for Ben Wyatt? He’s the underdog, whose dog days are over.
***This presentation was not authorised or sanctioned by Ben Wyatt during his presidential campaign and was hosted and organised by the defunct Entertainment 720 Company Limited.