Earlier this month, E.L. James revealed that she would be releasing a Fifty Shades of Grey spinoff that would be told entirely from the perspective of playboy Christian Grey. This move was shrewdly similar to Stephenie Meyers’ plans to release Midnight Sun; an adaptation of Twilight from male protagonist Edward Cullen’s point of view. E.L. James spinoff novel Grey basically just proves that Christian gets no work done and again is a bit of a one-dimensional character. I took a look at some of Mr Grey’s dirtiest thoughts.
10. “I have a sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back.” This is during the first official meeting when Anastasia is interviewing Christian. Clearly he wasn’t that concerned about how he appeared to the media.
9. “An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled ginger inserted in her ass so she can’t clench her buttocks, comes to mind, followed by judicious use of a belt or strap.” This little bit stopped me short. Apparently this process is known as Figging in the BDSM community. Historically this was used as a form of punishment, similar to putting the pineapple up Hitler’s anus in Little Nicky but now this is used as a consensual practice within the community. Can’t see it’d appeal to everybody.
8. “As she fumbles and grows more and more flustered, it occurs to me that I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop. Adeptly used, it can bring even the most skittish to heel.” Bringing something to heel, incidentally, is one of Christian’s favourite expressions. He uses it four times in Grey. My inner feminist wants to put a leash on him, take him for ‘walkies’ and teach him how to heel. Can you say “woof”, Christian?
7. “Crouching down beside her, I strap her into the seat harness, trying not to imagine her naked as I do it.” He’s just put her seatbelt on for her in his glider. Not only is that controlling and a little belittling but nothing is sacred in Christian Grey’s mind. This man should not be operating flying machinery if he cannot keep his mind on the task!
6. “The image of her bouncing up and down on top of me comes to mind; of her lying over my knee, ass pink; of her tethered to the bed, mouth open in ecstasy.” Pure poetry. There’s a huge recurring theme. In Christian’s mind Anastasia is almost always bent over with a pink arse because of some form of spanking. We’ve found his favourite kink.
5. “Though I would like to watch. I’m sure the good doctor’s reaction would be priceless if I made that request.” Included here because the thing he’d like to watch is Ana’s gynaecological visit. This is just uncomfortable, weird and a clear example of his utter need for control. I’m sure this doctor’s visit would be awkward enough for Anastasia but to have someone looking at you like he wants to eat you while someone roots around in you for disease? No thank you!
4. “Really? Well. All you do is tip and swallow. I think you can manage that.’ I stare pointedly at her mouth, remembering how well can she swallow.” Oysters as an aphrodisiac. How creative Mr. Grey. Any other clichés you want to throw in E.L. James?
3. “Much as I’d like to, I’m not going to fuck her in the restroom at IHOP. She deserves better than that, and frankly, so do I.” Those pancakes are good and you know it Christian! No one likes a snob. Either way he literally cannot function for ten minutes without thinking about ‘taking’ her in some way. Should she be flattered or scared?
2. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen pubic hair up close and personal like this. I tug it gently. ‘Perhaps we’ll keep this.’ Though it’s no good for wax play…” As it turns out Christian can look beyond beauty stereotypes too… even if it’s only to accept a bit of fluff. However, ‘tugging’ is just one of those unsexy verbs that should never be used when in reference to one’s area. Far too violent.
1. “I could take her to bed. Break her in.” While this isn’t particularly ground breaking for me it’s number one because woman are not shoes! We are not broken in, shaped just for you, or a horse for you to ride. Please be respectful, Christian, and maybe she’ll ride you if you’re nice.
Grey was released on 18th June.