We have reached that time of year when things start coming to an end. I, like many of you, have completed my degree and now find myself faced with a vast, empty black hole that most people like to call ‘the future’. Instead of facing ‘the future’ with the audacious courage of a lion, I instead have retreated into the solace of my room watching re-runs of Peep Show in order to avoid the single most feared question by all graduates across the land: ‘what are you going to do next?’
I long for the days when I was five and could quite assuredly state that I was going to be an astronaut or the Queen or even a dinosaur. However, despite my best efforts I am not and cannot ever be a dinosaur. It was at this point I realised that Mark from Peep Show had a point with his eloquent observation that ‘everything’s just completely fucked’.
So, after a few days of wallowing in my bath pretending to be a hippo, I had an epiphany: ‘Grace you are not a hippo. You must seize the day’. To help any fellow wallowing graduate hippos out I have compiled a list of the single most depressing lyrics. We may not have a job, we may be over qualified for McDonalds, but at least we have each other.
‘I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear’ – The Smiths’ This Charming Man
And why haven’t you got a stitch to wear? Because you’ve spent the past few days living in your own filth, chucking food at your face, hoping at least some of it makes it into your mouth. You could go out and socialise but that would require making an effort with people. Morrissey’s familiar depressing warblings are far more appealing.
‘Love will tear us apart’ – Joy Division’s Love Will Tear Us Apart
The thought of being physically torn apart by love sounds both painful and, more importantly, highly impractical. My advice? Tell any potential suitors that when the sun goes down you magically grow a majestic beard and roam the streets as your alter ego Greg the plumber. If anything, it’ll make you seem quirky.
‘Maybe I’m wasting my young years’ – London Grammar’s Wasting My Young Years
One minute you were a wide-eyed impressionable fresher with the world at your feet, next minute you’re a washed up graduate with a heart of stone and about as much cheer as a dried prune. One thing that will give you hope is that nowadays our life expectancy is much longer, unless this obesity epidemic takes hold. In that case enjoy life while you can before the cakes get you.
‘My body’s weak. Feel my heart giving up on me’ – Keaton Henson’s Flesh and Bone
Keaton Henson is a master of depressing songs. These lyrics perfectly depict that moment when you wake up surrounded by half empty pizza boxes and the remnants of last night’s predrinks feeling as if you are about to give birth to a pizza baby. Word of advice, pizza at 5 am is never a good idea. However, Keaton Henson will soothe both your soul and your head. No matter how bad things get, I’m pretty sure you will be pushed to find a person who is more miserable than Keaton Henson.
‘Cry me a river’ – Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me A River
I really appreciate the rain sound effects accompanied by what sounds like a depressed monk, who may have had too much communion wine, at the start of this song. It really sets the scene for what is to come. I sincerely hope that after the trials and tribulations that minx Britney Spears put our beloved Justin through she at least shed one tear (a river is pretty extreme Justin).
And yet, things could be worse. When I’m too lazy to think of something inspirational to say myself I like to poach the words of others, which is otherwise known as quoting. Oasis got it right when they said ‘don’t look back in anger’. Although I’m not sure they are the best example to use; I mean look at them now, their haircuts alone are pretty depressing.
I hope that you are now feeling suitable miserable. If not here is a picture of me. If you ever fancy a wallow you know where I am.