Cinema Etiquette Rant – What Not To Do

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One of my biggest pet peeves is the lack of decorum from the general public when they visit the cinema for their casual night out. Below are just some of the reasons that have me questioning why I spend a good chunk of money on attending the cinema.

1. Phones
Turn. Them. Off. At the very least put them on silent. However, if the latter is your chosen avenue regarding your rectangular obsession, don’t you dare use it when the lights have gone down and the film has started. The last thing I want to be is distracted. Distracted from an important plot point by a radiation of white garish light so you can check that Mafia Wars invitation or check your Twitter to discover what ‘celebrity X’ just found in their latest bowel movement. #stopit.

2. This isn’t a social event
It’s Saturday night and you’ve spent an extortionate amount of money on a ticket to WATCH a movie. Why must you insist on giving the whole screen a running commentary on your latest one night stand? You are here to sit, watch and concentrate, not to be an obnoxious cretin. Also, don’t blurt out ‘I don’t get it’ for everyone else to hear when you clearly have not been paying attention. Watch the film. A confusing plot line might just be explained. Shock horror!

3. Food
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy having popcorn and a drink to accompany me in my cinematic experience. However, why must this be an excuse to rustle and slurp more than necessary? That last red Wine Gum will find you, you impatient chubster. Why must you go excavating like some crazed geologist, creating an obscene amount of noise to find it?

4. Personal space
You see this chair I’m sitting on? This is mine. My personal space. I don’t want to see, from the corner of my eye, some size 12 gargantuan cheesy feet getting in on my personal space. You’re not in your lounge.

5. Parents
The cinema is not a babysitter. Your one year old does not have the concentration or the ability to sit still or be quiet for an hour and a half and I do not have the patience to withstand their cries. Be responsible and keep them away from the cinema until they can appreciate it or take them to the newly formed ‘Parent & Baby’ screenings.

In reading this point-by-point rant, if you believe some of these cinema faux pas to be acceptable, please, stay at home and wait for the home release of the latest Jack Black abomination. However, if you strongly agree with my advice (and this is advice), please let everybody know. The cinema must be saved and our experience must not be diminished!

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5 Comments

  1. avatar

    What is this trend of producing list based articles all of a sudden across Soton’s publications? I keep seeing them here, in The Tab and of course shit attempts produced by the Scene.

    • avatar
      David Martin on

      Hardly a trend – We’ve only had a couple in close succession. I’m not sure exactly why, perhaps they strike a chord with the audience – after all that is the idea.

    • avatar

      Heaven forbid people actually write something in a different format! If you’re gonna have a bitch about every publication across the University, at least have the balls to use your real name.

  2. avatar

    One of the last times I went to the cinema there was a whole gaggle of obnoxious teens violating rules 1-3, screaming and making chirping noises the whole way through, I wish I’d had a few grenades handy. Everyone was shouting at them to shut up.

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