Every gamer knows that June may as well be our national holiday. E3 is an annually-run event taking place in Los Angeles where game publishers and developers have an opportunity to showcase their works for an audience of enthusiastic – often jet-lagged – gamers. The show is often host to the most exciting announcements on the gaming calendar, with recent years revealing a Final Fantasy VII remake, Bloodborne and The Last Guardian, as well as some of the most tedious, cringeworthy PR stunts you will ever see. I fully expect this year to be no different. So, bearing in mind the traditions and trends of E3 past, lets do a run-down of what we should expect!
1) Microsoft, in order to try and match the recently-announced Nintendo Labo, announces a new ‘Make Your Own Lootbox’ service, where they will personally hand-pack and deliver your online-bought gaming lootbox, so that you can experience the disappointment and buyer’s regret from the comfort of your own home. Games expected to makeuse of this service include Destiny: Whatever the Hell We Call Our Next Expansion and Loot Wars: Battlefront II.
2) 343 Industries announces the latest entry in the Halo series, Halo 6: The Search for a Subtitle. Refreshing updates to the core gameplay and online multiplayer are expected.
3) Microsoft finishes their conference in typically-underwhelming style, with a half-hour long presentation on the new football kicking technology they’re implementing in FIFA 19. Despite Twitch stream viewers quickly departing the livestream in vast numbers, everyone still buys the game anyway.
4) Sony debuts a new trailer for the aforementioned Final Fantasy VII, confirming that the release date is still at least five years away. To tide you over they also announce a new DLC for Final Fantasy XV, allowing you to cook hotdogs for some reason.
5) A mysterious trailers teases a new, terrifying Silent Hill game directed by former Visceral Studios (developers of Dead Space) staff, only to pull the rug out from underneath us by actually announcing it as a P.T. Pachinko machine by Konami.
6) Logan Paul appears on-stage to demonstrate the first gameplay from a new Manhunt game, and is promptly booed off when he makes a joke about a dead body on the screen.
7) Hideo Kojima, the famous developer behind the Metal Gear Solid game series and the forthcoming Death Stranding, comes onto the stage to the sound of spurrious applause, says ‘Hello’, and then leaves without showing anything. His appearance is nevertheless the highlight of the show.
8) FromSoftware’s new game, ‘Shadows Die Twice’, is revealed to be Bloodborne II after all. Nobody is surprised.
9) To close out the conference, Sony announce Playing Outside Simulator for the Playstation VR. The gameplay includes walking your virtual dog, making daisy chains and sunbathing.
10) Nintendo once again forego a traditional conference for a pre-recorded show, featuring utterly-cringeworthy caricatures of Reggie Fils-Aime and Shigeru Miyamoto.
11) The new Pokemon games for the Switch are shown to be called Pokemon Up and Down versions, promising next-to-no new features but adorable new starter Pokemon that you will instantly want a plushie of.
12) A new Mario game taking place during the Second World War is revealed, called Super Mario Dunkirk. Gameplay involves throwing fireballs at German Panzers and liberating Princess Peach from Bowser’s fortress in Vichy France.
13) Kirby: All You Can Eat is announced, featuring Sniper Elite‘s gruesome X-Ray views of Kirby’s enemies being viciously chewed to a pulp in his mouth.
14) Ubisoft shows off Assassins Creed: Martyr, a new title set in Shirley, Southampton. The series’ iconic hidden blade is replaced with a special syringe that the protagonist can use on his enemies. Portsmouth FC are all templars.
15) David Cage announces his next game after Detroit: Become Human is going to be called A Sad Day. He emphasises the game’s ’emoshiunnnnn’ and promises that the female protagonist will continuously get naked for no reason at all.
16) Warner Bros. announce they have bought the rights to a live-action movie based off of the Super Mario Bros. games, with Tommy Wiseau and Hayden Christensen in the lead roles of Mario and Luigi.
17) EA confirms that the next Battlefield game will be set in World War Two. When asked about the future of the Bad Company IP, the host claims to have “No f*cking clue what you’re on about.”
18) Donald Trump tweets “Still no Demon Souls remake, Sony? Sad!”
And then the conference wraps up, leaving everyone with a crippling disappointment which they will subsequently forget when the next year’s E3 rolls around.
E3 2018 is taking place from June 12th-14th 2018.